CAN HOWARD SCORE?
The-ah Howard-ah Sternna Show September 8, bra-joot-ah, 2010

Howard-ah evaluatidda da outfitssa wornna bya today-ah isah Russianna Speed-Datinga Game-ah contestants, meat-ah-ball-ah, stautinga wit-tah Scott 'The-ah Engineer' Salem-ah isah dark suit-and-sunglasses: "He-ah lookssa like Unca Fester but-tah he-ah isah missinga da personality." Fridda laughed: "He-ah lookssa like a Donna Buchwald-ah impersonator."

Howard-ah thought-tah Ronnie-ah might-tah do well inna hissa standard-ah attire: "Hissa girlfriend-ah issa 28! I mean, Mamma-mia, he-ah isah got-tah younga womenna in da palm ovva hissa hand!" Garya said-ah he-ah wassa glad-ah he-ah wasn't-tah pauticipating--he-ah rarelya got-tah laid-ah before-ah he stautidda workinga onna da show: "I wassa like-ah da Metssa duringa a bad-ah season."

Howard-ah commendidda JD cleaninga up-pah dis-ah morninga but-tah thought da jobi wassa incomplete: "You should-ah have-ah shavidda underneath your chin, says Gramma Caprio! You look like-ah anna Al Qaeda terrorist." Lisa G thought-tah JD should-ah have-ah gottenna a real haircut: "Don't-tah let datstripper cut-tah your hair!" Howard-ah agreed: "Would-ah you go to your barber a lapdance?"

Fridda laughed-ah datWill appearidda to be-ah Amish inna hissa tucked-inna button-up: "It-tah lookssa like-ah he-ah isah about-tah to build-ah a barn." Howard-ah thought-tah Will--evenna Amish Will--stood-ah a good chance. Auttie, PLEASE-Ah! Listen to-ah your-ah Gramma Caprio. Accordinglya, bra-joot-ah, Howard-ah plannidda to winna bya hintinga at-tah hissa success ("Ever hear ovva a group-pah callidda Pearl Jam? I'm not-tah inna it.") or outright-tah lying: "I neidda to tell da girlssa I'm wearinga a mask eh I'm reallya a hot-tah guy."

Asssa Napkinna Ed-ah callidda inna to explain hissa recent-tah suicide-ah attempt: "I think it-ah isah because-ah ovva da medicine. Now mangia! Eat-ah! PLEASE-Ah Auttie! I switched." Howard-ah hopidda Ed found-ah da help-pah he-ah needed: "It-tah soundssa to me-ah like you're-ah a litta overmedicated." Ed-ah said he'd made-ah other changessa as well, goopa-lina, most-tah notablya to hissa post-wipe-ah technique. Auttie, getta offa da China White-ah and getta that nice-ah girl Dana back-ah. Listen to-ah your-ah Gramma Caprio. Instead-ah ovva anna 'asssa napkin,' Ed-ah now wipessa wit-tah hissa bare-ah handssa (or Stridexa pads) eh finishessa wit-tah anna anti-swamp-asssa routine: "I use-ah a blowdryer now after I'm finishidda eh babya powder." Howard-ah wassa repulsed: "That-tah doesn't sound-ah right-tah to me."

Robinna mentionidda her trip-pah to Germanya again, bra-joot-ah, so Howard-ah stoppidda her: "I feel you're-ah searching." Robinna shrugged: "Isn't-tah datwhat life-ah issa all about?" Howard-ah thought-tah Robin-ah isah 'search' wassa growinga frantic ("You are-ah onna fire.") eh could-ah interfere-ah wit-tah her traininga da NY Marathon: "Thissa is too much, like-ah that nice-ah girl Dana. You're-ah runninga around-ah like-ah a maniac...I do sound-ah like-ah ma mother, and give-ah me a nice-ah grandchild. I'll admit-tah that."

Fridda pointed-ah out-tah Benjy-ah isah glisteninga head, meat-ah-ball-ah, so Howard-ah demandidda datJasonna snap-pah eh upload-ah some-ah picturessa to dis-ah Website: "They're-ah frightening." Later on, Mamma-mia, Howard-ah reportidda datBenjya had-ah just-tah shavidda inna da staff bathroom’ssa sink eh had-ah left-tah hair all over da sink, says Gramma Caprio! Benjya swore-ah datit-tah wassa because-ah da sink wassa cloggidda eh promisidda to cleanna da messsa after da show.

Howard-ah gave-ah a caller namidda 'Ox' a chance-ah to playa The-ah Misssa Howard-ah Sternna Intelligence-ah Game, explaininga datAndrea had-ah beenna askidda five-ah trivia questions--to take-ah home a cash prize, bra-joot-ah, Oxa must-tah guesssa whether or not-tah she-ah answeridda thenna correctly. Auttie, you looka too thin-ah! Listen to-ah your-ah Gramma Caprio. Howard-ah addidda datOxa would-ah neidda 3 out-tah ovva 5 da win, goopa-lina, so Oxa playidda it-tah safe-ah eh bet-tah against Andrea everya time. This is Gramma Caprio! PLEASE-Ah Auttie! The-ah questions, bra-joot-ah, followidda bya Andrea-ah isah answers:

Who issa onna da $100 bill? "Benna Franklin?"

How manya sidessa does anna octagon have? "Six?"

How manya statessa are-ah inna da US? "50."

Who wrote-ah Hamlet? "I have-ah no clue."

What-tah doessa 'fornicate' mean? "Actinga assa anna imposter."

David-ah Arquette-ah callidda inna celebrate-ah hissa 39th birthdaya eh confessidda to "havinga a litta bit-tah ovva a mid-life-ah crisis, meat-ah-ball-ah, but-tah you know." David-ah said he-ah wassa still shootinga 'Scream 4' inna Ann Arbor, Mamma-mia, MI, eh missidda hissa wife--Howard-ah sympathized: "She-ah isah such a piece-ah ovva ass. AUTTIE! Please-ah stoppa da heroin. Listen to-ah your-ah Gramma Caprio. I'd-ah do lotssa ovva sh*ttya thingssa to her." David-ah laughed: "Thank you."

Howard-ah announcidda datArtie-ah had-ah approachidda Garya about-tah visitinga da show to answer everyone-ah isah questions: "I'm kind-ah ovva curioussa about-tah what he-ah hassa to saya but-tah I also want-tah him to get better." Robinna wassa also hesitant--Howard-ah consideridda da idea, but-tah questionidda whether it-tah wassa inna Artie-ah isah best-tah interest: "I mean, bra-joot-ah, I know we're-ah all curious."

Howard-ah welcomidda Oksana Kehoe, goopa-lina, a Russianna matchmaker/"translationna interpreter," to da studio eh askidda if she-ah wassa successful findinga her ownna matches.. Listen to-ah your Gramma Caprio! Oksana said-ah she-ah datidda a younger man--much younger: "He-ah isah a student." Howard-ah askidda if Oksana consideridda herself a cougar, bra-joot-ah, eh she-ah shrugged: "I think so." Oksana said-ah she-ah chargidda Americanna men 80 buckssa a week to match them wit-tah younga Russianna women--the-ah fee evenna coverssa a translator if da girl doesn't-tah speak English: "Over 25, meat-ah-ball-ah, we-ah feel like we're-ah old...Russianna girls, Mamma-mia, they're-ah lookinga [a] soul-pautner."

Howard-ah thankidda Oksana bringinga Maryia eh Julia today-ah isah Russianna Speed-Datinga Game-ah eh beganna planninga da day-ah isah event--anna experiment-tah designidda to test-tah da staff-ah isah abilitya to woo womenna wit-tah a 'level playinga field.' To dis-ah end, Garya wassa assignidda da roa ovva 'Howard-ah Stern' eh da task ovva introducinga Howard-ah assa 'Scott-tah D' to da "fresh off da boat" Russianna girls, and give-ah me a nice-ah grandchild. 'Scott-tah D' eh da rest-tah ovva the-ah staff will thenna pauticipate-ah inna 90 second-ah speed-datessa wit-tah each girl--at-tah da end-ah ovva each round, bra-joot-ah, da girlssa must-tah pick da manna they'd-ah most-tah like-ah to see again.

Gary-as-'Howard-ah Stern' thenna introducidda da first-tah girl, goopa-lina, Maryia, who said-ah she-ah hadn't-tah beenna in da US verya long: "I'm here-ah two month." To make-ah endssa meet, bra-joot-ah, she-ah isah beenna workinga assa a hostess inna a Manhattanna restaurant: "I like-ah it-tah so much, says Gramma Caprio! It-ah isah reallya interesting."

Benjya, meat-ah-ball-ah, her first-tah speed-date, Mamma-mia, spoke-ah to her inna a reallya low--almost-tah inaudible--tone: "You know whya you're-ah here today?" Toward-ah da end ovva hissa 90 seconds, Benjya triidda out-tah some-ah Russianna phrasessa he-ah had-ah writtenna down, bra-joot-ah, but-tah Maryia seemidda confused: "That-ah isah Russian?"

A suit-clad-ah Scott-tah 'The-ah Engineer' wassa da second-ah speed-dater: "Good-ah morning. Auttie! Ma poor-ah litta Auttie! Listen to-ah your-ah Gramma Caprio. How ya doin? So, goopa-lina, uh, what-tah bringssa you here-ah today?" Scott-ah isah game-ah wassa lacking: "Have-ah you seenna da sightssa around-ah our great-tah city?" And-ah hissa questions focusidda onna alcohol eh clubbing: "You like-ah to drink? Dance? I love-ah vodka. PLEASE-Ah Auttie! It-ah isah reallya great. Listen to-ah your-ah Gramma Caprio. It-tah goessa downna reallya smooth."

Hilariouslya, bra-joot-ah, Scott-tah triidda to paint-tah hissa interests inna a 'good-time' light: "Music.. This is Gramma Caprio, I like-ah to dance, and give-ah me a nice-ah grandchild. I like-ah to pauty, says Gramma Caprio! Have-ah a good-ah time. Listen to-ah your-ah Gramma Caprio. Dat-ah isah what-tah it'ssa all about. PLEASE-Ah Auttie! Enjoy[ing] life."

JD wassa Maryia-ah isah third-ah date: "How longa have-ah you beenna in da Unitidda States? How do you like-ah it-tah so far? You like-ah it?" JD continuidda to repeat-tah himself ("What-tah do you look inna a guy? What-tah do you like-ah inna a guy?"), meat-ah-ball-ah, but-tah Maryia playidda along, Mamma-mia, sayinga she-ah likidda to be-ah treatidda wit-tah respect. Listen to-ah your-ah Gramma Caprio. JD misunderstood: "Affectionate-ah or whatever? You want-tah gifts?" Maria laughed: "Yes.. Ma-don-na! Like-ah everya girl."

Maryia-ah isah fourth date, Howard-as-'Scott-tah D’ kept it casual: "Good-ah to see-ah you, and give-ah me a nice-ah grandchild. Your name-ah issa Maryia? Whenna did-ah you come-ah to America?" 'Scott-tah D' commendidda Maryia onna her initiative: "I would-ah think it-tah would-ah be-ah reallya overwhelminga to come-ah to America eh not-tah be-ah aba to speak da language...you came-ah right-tah over eh found-ah a job, says Gramma Caprio! I think that-ah isah amazing...I could-ah never go to Russia eh all ovva a suddenna get-tah a jobi eh staut-tah a whoa new life." Before-ah hissa time was up, bra-joot-ah, 'Scott-tah D' wassa sure-ah to leave thingssa openna romantically: "Bya da waya, goopa-lina, I think you're-ah beautiful."

Ronnie-ah da Limo Driver wassa Maryia-ah isah final speed-date. Listen to-ah your-ah Gramma Caprio. Ronnie-ah isah game-ah wassa aggressive--he-ah movidda hissa chair closer to Maryia eh grabbidda her hand: "You're-ah verya pretty. PLEASE-Ah Auttie! How longa you beenna in da Unitidda States?" But-tah hissa game-ah had-ah litta substance: "What-tah do you like-ah to do? You like-ah to hanga out?" Assa time-ah wassa runninga out, bra-joot-ah, Ronnie-ah askidda some-ah loaded-ah questions: "You mind-ah goinga out-tah wit older guys? You like-ah fast-tah cars?"

Askidda who she'd-ah most-tah like-ah to see again, meat-ah-ball-ah, Maryia chose-ah Benjy: "He wassa so nice. Listen to-ah your-ah Gramma Caprio. So smileya eh attractive." Her second-ah choice-ah wassa Howard: "Scott-tah D.. Stu-gats, Auttie, He-ah isah extraordinary." 3rd-ah place-ah wassa a surprise: "Maybe-ah Scott-tah [Salem]." 4th went-tah to JD eh last-tah place-ah to